i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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