I have demons in me.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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