I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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