I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
