Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
