Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
