I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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