anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
