I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
