Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
