mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
