Need sex. Gaining weight.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
