Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
