He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The adults are the big ones right?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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