I wish I only lived at night.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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