You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
