He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
