okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
