At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
