Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
