My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
