You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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