i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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