I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
