I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
