It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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