Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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