Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
