the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
