I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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