dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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