Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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