...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
