i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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