All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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