if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
