I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
