I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
