I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
