highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
it's like iHOP with fire
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I had to cum in my sink.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
