Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
