I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
