She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm at about main and main street
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
