Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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