I'm lost and stupid without you.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
