I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
