The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
