Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
