my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
