This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
